Google releases Giant Hadron Collider

CtJ Newswire
Parody City, CA
Sept 9, 2008

While the scientific community waits in anxious anticipation for the commencement of CERN, the Large Hadron Collider, insiders report a stunning development: Google will release their own, open-source particle accelerator. The project is reputed to be a Giant Hadron Collider (GHC), a monstrous piece of engineering powered by thousands of V8 engines. The giant, code-named CHRERN, features 54 km (34 mi) of tunnels, most of which run through the search engine's large, secure data centers over HTTP.

Many scientists have questioned the need for a rival, upstart effort to mimic the Big Bang, but others feel that it is consistent with Google's philosophy. Said one insider, "I suspect that Google has already found the Higgs boson (aka God particle) internally, and are developing the GHC for more ambitious applications".

Claimed another, "it may seem pugnacious at first, but they are basing the GHC on open, scientific standards, and that can only mean good things for science and humanity".

Mini Black Holes? Process Isolation

Skeptics wonder if the GHC is even more prone to creating black holes or singularities, threatening the Earth's very existence. "This is highly unlikely, since the architecture of the GHC partitions each singularity into its own multi-dimensional process. So, if a process goes awry, it will not harm the rest of the universe", reported a chief research scientist. She continued: "this is a distinct advantage over other accelerators, which work in the same process as the known universe. Moreover, it allows concurrent particle acceleration for truly, well, smashing throughput."

Despite all the buzz, there is no word yet if Google plans to explore sub-atomic space with Ad Sense.