Friday, February 29, 2008

Scala Chip: Coffee Giants Unveil Boutique Ice Cream

CtJ Newswire
Satire City
Feb 29, 2008

Today, giants in the coffee industry announced a new, upscale ice cream: Scala Chip.

The news surprised insiders in both the coffee industry and software development alike.

In a press statement, researchers claim the move reflects technology gains with the upstart Scala.

An excerpt: "We admire Java and are grateful for that relationship, yet we look ahead to Scala with a palpable sense of excitement. There are many advantages of moving to Scala Chip:

  • First and foremost, its purity is delightful to the refined palate. In legacy formulations, there were often primitive impurities such as int and long: not so with Scala -- everything is a chip.
  • From a marketing standpoint, Scala Chip plays a functional role in luring back sophisticated consumers who pine for an elite dessert experience. Previously, we couldn't infer the type of consumer demographic; this inference is easy with Scala Chip. And the types are static: we want that loyalty.
  • Research proves that Scala Chip closes over free variables of creams and sugars. This, and other traits, not only taste great but offer intriguing mix-in advantages with a wide variety of flavours, e.g. Curry Chip.
  • Finally, from a pure business perspective, Scala Chip offers big wins in terms of production: due to its nature, we see highly concurrent processes and yet we can leverage our Java recipe libraries. We are continually monitoring the state of our quality control, but we're told there isn't really state with Scala Chip -- that's a big win. "
Critics Quick to Retort

The word spread quickly, sparking outrage throughout a variety of camps.

Naturally, the Java Ice Cream Producers Union fired the first salvo. "It's an outrage to suggest that Java Ice Cream isn't sophisticated! Popularity doesn't mean we produce a blue-collar product!", wrote one. Another: "The firm claims to reuse the production lines but where is the tooling, I say!? Show me the tooling!". Academics shouted in a chorus: "Java will soon close over free cream-and-sugar variables -- it does now somewhat, as long as the choices remain final."

Cultural watch-dogs joined the fray. Music critics wondered aloud, with horror, at the potential monoculture of a successful Scala Chip ice cream. "What next? ", wrote one critic, " Will cafes play only spoken-word CDs by Martin Odersky?"

Perhaps most ominously, a Thespian Guild is threatening legal action, based on rumours that the industry will rename concurrent-shift line workers as "Actors".

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