Seattle jazz players urge Microsoft to rebrand F# as Gb

CtJ Newswire
Parody City, CA
Jan 22, 2009

In a press conference held near Seattle, a group of jazz musicians urged Microsoft to rebrand its nascent language, F# (pronounced F-Sharp), as Gb (G-Flat).

Said a spokesperson for the group: "It is abundantly clear that Microsoft employees are primarily guitarists or pianists. When horn players look at both F# and C#, we see the vibe: there is no love coming our way here. All those sharps: we just don't think that way."

Another protester recognized the technical details: "Look, we understand that there is a language called D, and that Db might have implied some kind of inferiority. So we stayed silent on C#. But there is no language called G, and so F# is a slap in the face. What's more, if the top-brass at Microsoft want to trumpet support for a functional programming language with monad-like structures, lambda expressions, and strong static typing, then all we ask is that they use an appropriate key for we horn blowers."

At this time, there is no word if Microsoft will comply with the musicians' plea.

Child suspended for EJB taunt

CtJ Newswire
Parody City
December 3, 2008

A district schoolboard reported today that a Grade 2 student has been suspended indefinitely for calling his teacher "the EJB of school" in class.

The announcement comes on the heels of a heated exchange between the teacher and the student as to whether cursive writing was important.

The principal of the school, Edgar J. Boyle, provided a brief statement: "We aren't exactly sure what EJB is, but after consulting with the IT industry, we understand that it implies a high degree of excess proportion and baroque complexity, ultimately leading to failure. In some circles, it is a taunt of the highest order. We believe this kind of language was learned in the home, but we refuse to stand for it in the classroom."

There is no word if the parents will appeal the decision, despite rumors of a protest website being constructed with Grails, a nascent IT solution.

Google releases Giant Hadron Collider

CtJ Newswire
Parody City, CA
Sept 9, 2008

While the scientific community waits in anxious anticipation for the commencement of CERN, the Large Hadron Collider, insiders report a stunning development: Google will release their own, open-source particle accelerator. The project is reputed to be a Giant Hadron Collider (GHC), a monstrous piece of engineering powered by thousands of V8 engines. The giant, code-named CHRERN, features 54 km (34 mi) of tunnels, most of which run through the search engine's large, secure data centers over HTTP.

Many scientists have questioned the need for a rival, upstart effort to mimic the Big Bang, but others feel that it is consistent with Google's philosophy. Said one insider, "I suspect that Google has already found the Higgs boson (aka God particle) internally, and are developing the GHC for more ambitious applications".

Claimed another, "it may seem pugnacious at first, but they are basing the GHC on open, scientific standards, and that can only mean good things for science and humanity".

Mini Black Holes? Process Isolation

Skeptics wonder if the GHC is even more prone to creating black holes or singularities, threatening the Earth's very existence. "This is highly unlikely, since the architecture of the GHC partitions each singularity into its own multi-dimensional process. So, if a process goes awry, it will not harm the rest of the universe", reported a chief research scientist. She continued: "this is a distinct advantage over other accelerators, which work in the same process as the known universe. Moreover, it allows concurrent particle acceleration for truly, well, smashing throughput."

Despite all the buzz, there is no word yet if Google plans to explore sub-atomic space with Ad Sense.

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